It’s been almost 2 years since the breakout. At least 8 months of lockdown.
Surviving has become everyone’s main focus, except for some who were far more afraid of running out of toilet paper.
Let me tell you my dearest friend in this story about the one thing that united all humans. The one thing capable of creating fear in the heart instantly. One of the biggest challenges that humanity had and still has to face.
A virus that may range from 9 to 12 nm. Disappointing right?
You’d think I was speaking about a war or some monster but no. A virus the size of a cell changed everyone’s lives. Talk about how size doesn’t matter.
It all started in December 2019, the news all over the world talked about how a virus appeared in China, little did we know what was coming.
Three months fast forward and we were ordered to stay home. Schools, supermarkets, restaurants and cafes all shut down. Videos of people fighting over toilet paper went viral and everyone laughed. Kids were happy that they didn’t have to go to school anymore. At first it seemed like an extra vacation for all of us. We thought two weeks and everything would go back to normal. Everything was fine!
11 January : The first death of Coronavirus in China.
15 February : The first death of Coronavirus outside of China.
11 March : WHO declares a pandemic :
“WHO has been assessing this outbreak around the clock and we are deeply concerned both by the alarming levels of spread and severity. We have therefore made the assessment that covid-19 can be characterised as a pandemic.”
3 April : One million cases.
29 September : One million deaths.
It’s not fun anymore is it?
In less than a year Nations broke down. The world broke down.
Dear reader, you must be wondering what I was doing right? Well let me tell you I was saving the world……!
……. From the comfort of my bed!
Oh yes, you read it right!
You may wonder how? I mean, wasn’t I scared? People were dying!
I will tell you that this virus didn’t only hurt people physically. Up to now I only told you about the physical effects of this parazyte, but the story is much deeper.
People survived, but they were killed.
Now we live in a world where 1 out of 10 people experience anxiety because of this virus, or was it the isolation due to…
The lockdown.
Eight months of no contact with the outside world. 8 months of the same day over and over again.
Let me tell you that messed me up and I’m an introvert!
I woke up in the morning, ate nothing, attended online class, cried about my grades because I had a hard time with this new way of learning, said a word or two to my family because we fought again today, ate lunch, did homework and slept. Repeat.
I saw sides of my family that I wished not to discover.
Life became grey, it was as if you put a filter in my eyes where everything became dull and boring.
My ability to enjoy things disappeared , and even 10 months after the lockdown was lifted , is still nowhere to be found.
My mental health deteriorated like never.
Here I was, in front of my computer, opening Youtube for at least the 20th time this day, my back hurting, my eyes burning, pretending that everything was fine.
Was it?
My mind was racing.
What am I doing?
What will happen?
Will my family survive?
Will my chronically ill parents survive?
Will I survive?
But I’m fine though!
Why am I unable to smile?
Will it get better?
In the middle of my internal monologue my mom comes to me, a sad look on her face, her eyes showing more hopelessness than fear or sorrow, her lips moving, sounds coming out of her mouth. I remember my ears ringing, my mind all blurry, but I managed to understand what she was saying.
Your uncle is sick and he may not make it. Be ready.
I sat there emotionless. It took me a few seconds to fully understand what she said. And then I realized she was telling me to expect my uncle to die at any moment.
And at that exact moment I realized how much this lockdown affected me. I became numb.
After she left, all i could do was let out a sight, pray for him and move on with my life. I hated it, I knew that in my heart I hated not feeling any sympathy towards my uncle, but I wasn’t able to have any empathy anymore.
I lost my humanity. The virus took my humanity.
Who was I? Who is this person? I don’t know her.
My eyes go back to the screen in front of me attempting to ignore any idea that may come to my mind , any question that I may not have the answer to.
After a while ,I went down to eat lunch. My dad was watching TV while my mother was sleeping in her room, probably devastated from the bad news. We don’t talk to each other unless out of necessity , but it’s not because we lack love for each other. Not at all.
In fact , the one thing that this virus was not able to and will never be able to break was the love we humans hold for each other.
However, whether we admit it or not , we were not designed to be separated from the outside world. We need others as much as they need us and seeing the same people over and over again for almost a year is too much.
I don’t have any appetite but if i don’t eat i won’t have energy to prepare for my exams. The exams have been postponed three times already by the way. I didn’t even care at this point.
I received a message from my bestfriend. I opened it enthusiastically , I missed her! I missed her smile and voice and warmth! I was really happy to see her name pop up on my phone. I put everything down and opened the message.
Everyone in my family is sick and my mom is not doing well.
My smile dropped immediately.
That fog in my brain came again. My ears started ringing again. It’s almost as if I was not able to process negative emotions anymore.
What was I supposed to say? How can I console her?
My heart was shattered but not a single tear fell.
I expressed my condolences and went to my room, locking the door on my way.
I wished I could cry. Hell at this point even a mental breakdown was better than this constant numbness hiding so much pain and fear , but nothing….
I needed something to cling on to. I was about to fall very deep into a pit I know nothing about.
So I got up and opened Youtube to search for some workouts. I laid my mat and exercised for an hour straight then took a shower.
I knew damn well I was lying to myself , who was I fooling?
That void in my heart was clinging to me harder than ever and let me tell you it was not ready to leave any time soon.
But at that point I embraced the darkness a little more than light.
It was a familiar feeling. Happiness wasn’t.
Every night I would lay down and look at the ceiling for hours imagining a world where I would be happy. A world where I would be able to help my bestfriend. A world that had Hope, something I lost long ago.
But at least some people benefited from this pandemic right? Like workout channels who got a bigger audience or toilet paper and hand sanitizer companies that are thriving now.
It’s 8 PM. Hours became minutes and minutes became seconds.
I was exhausted from the constant brainstorming that I didn’t even intend to make so I decided to sleep.
As I was preparing my bed I heard a knock on the door. I go open it only to be graced by my mother’s crying face.
Time stops.
I feel my heartbeat in my ears.
My palms are sweaty.
I knew precisely what she was going to say. But I didn’t want to hear it.
What I was most afraid of happened.
I embraced whatever was coming my way.
Your uncle is dead.
Strength left my legs but I held on for mom. I took her hand and sat her down attempting to relieve her pain which I knew was so deep only the lord could heal.
Finally a tear left my eye.
It was a loop.
I was stuck.
I saw no way out.
This time only one thought came to me.
Another one added to the list.
