by El Moujahid Nour
What time is it? I look at my phone and see that it is already midnight; perfect, only twenty-four hours until I am finally free from my mundane life.In twenty-four hours, I’ll bid farewell to my nine-square-meter bedroom; in twenty-four hours, I’ll bid farewell to the tiny city I’ve called home for more than fifteen years; and in twenty-four hours, I’ll begin my new life as a college student.To be fair, I do have wonderful memories in a city where there is no cinema or mall; we can all thank the beach for saving us from boredom. No wonder some senior high schoolers prefer to finish their college life here so they can enjoy the sunset stretching to the sea. In my opinion, if you want to taste the feeling of starting a new life, you should include the word “new” in everything: new city, new home, new friends, new boyfriend and so on. There are people who would disagree, saying that it is possible to experience the same feeling without radical change. Well, it might be true for individuals who are accepted in this hometown, especially in high school. You know, the group of considered “cool” teenagers that you watch from afar. For some reason, this group which unfortunately exists in most high schools, is loved and hated at the same time. I do not know how they do that, but generally they come at you and act friendly only to end up gossiping or even laughing publicly at you. School is very similar to feudal society’s social hierarchy.The popular kids are usually very rich and influential towards students and teachers, followed by the regular students who represent the majority but have no power, and finally the outcasts who are easily noticed because they are behaving like slaves to the popular ones, being bullied or simply rejected by the entire class, including the teachers.Personally, I find the popular group disgusting, but I would lie if I did not admit I have the same level of selfishness as they do. Indeed, there was a period in junior high when I was part of the outcast where being alone the entire day was not new to me. Thankfully, I was able to climb the social ladder thanks to the transferred student who took my place as an outcast and also thanks to the fake personality I created to attract students at that time. Hence, the three people that I call “friends” nowadays, are part of the large group of students who assist my whole period of suffering for being an outcast. Am I angry about that? Yes, of course. Am I blaming them? No, since I would do the same in order to not risk my social status. In fact, I have learned an important lesson: the shyer you are, the more vulnerable you look. My life finally became pinker once I found fake friends and developed a fake identity, and I believe high school is not the only field where you end up in my situation, but anyway. One hour has already passed, and I should quickly go to bed to be in shape for tomorrow’s graduation ceremony. I take a shower, brush my teeth and lay on my bed. I contemplated the ceiling, wondering what my future life would be like. First, I will register at a gym club to lose some weight because, even though my entourage says I am not fat, I cannot help but think the opposite. Moreover, it is not like I could change the nose I have in the middle of my face or my forehead, so why not the waist? I might sound ridiculous and childish, but it is the easiest way to increase confidence. When you imagine yourself, the first thing you look at in your imagination is your appearance, and unconsciously, you also visualize a body that you consider a better body, not a perfect body, but a better one. Since I am going to study in college, I imagine myself skinny, well-groomed, and without acne spots, and if I manage to attain this body, I will definitely gain confidence. In theory, a beautiful, confident woman should have no trouble making friends, but this time I’ll do my best to be honest about my personality and look for someone who will accept me for who I am.The reason for this decision is that, from the moment I move to another city, I will only rely on myself. For that, I need to have people by my side who I can count on and trust. For example, an energetic freshman, quite naive, who loves to fall in love. I wanted someone to always be supportive of me and help me no matter the consequences. She can also be the type of girl who can easily be blinded by love that might put her in danger. Of course, I would be the one who would keep an eye on her and help her get out of trouble because I also want to be the type of person you can rely on. This is what friends are truly for, right? I smile and turn to the right; my gaze falls instinctively on the clock hanging on the opposite wall. Thirty minutes have passed. I believe I will have a little trouble sleeping tonight. Usually when I cannot sleep, I read romantic webcomics on my phone. But if I do that, I am sure I will not sleep tonight because the romance webcomic genre is the catchiest pastime for teenagers like me. When I follow the story of a girl and a boy falling in love little by little, it makes me feel hopeful for my future love life. If I can imagine my future boyfriend in college, I want him to be one year older than me so he can help me adapt. As for the appearance, I do not want to overthink it in order to avoid disappointment, but I did imagine the perfect body. In terms of appearance, the perfect man for me is a man who is taller than me, so I can feel protected. Secondly, and most importantly, my man has to be quite muscular and passionate about sports, so it will encourage me to do the same. Thirdly, and last but not least, a lovely boyfriend is also a man who has a tender side behind the male alpha image. For example, he could be someone who loves playing with kids, is passionate about cooking, is a mommy boy, and so forth. If you fall in love with someone who only likes to be cool in front of you or act manly when his friends appear, you will not be able to build a healthy relationship. These people are mostly the ones who see women more as an amusement than a woman who deserves respect. In addition, they also do not take the relationship seriously, so they prioritize their friends and leave you behind until they are in need of affection. The advice I would give to men is to show a little bit of vulnerability. The reason why revealing a tender part to women is crucial is to make them understand that you are comfortable showing emotion and affection. It is like you take a step towards her that reassures and indirectly convinces her regarding the true feelings you have for her. That is why I prefer to reserve the gentleman archetype for fiction and learn to accept all of the real facades of the person with whom I will share my heart as long as I am convinced. If I could imagine what a regular day with my future boyfriend would be like, we would start the day by going to the gym or jogging early in the morning, then each of us would go to our respective classes and enjoy our days separately, because, according to me, a healthy relationship is when you give space and trust to your partner. After the day had ended, we would meet in the evening and talk about what we did during the day. This conversation can take place on campus, while we are laying on the grass, watching the stars and enjoying the time we have together. Without realizing it, I smile and blush, letting out a little chuckle; this scenario has warmed my heart. I looked at the clock again and saw that only fifteen minutes had passed. When I close my eyes and turn my face up to the ceiling, my smile remains until I fall asleep.
I could feel the sun rays getting through my eyelids, but it was not enough to wake me up until my alarm did the job. An unpleasing repetitive melody interrupts my moment of peace and gets me up on the wrong side of the bed. I knew I would regret it if I stayed up too late, but since today is an important day, I will force myself to stay in shape. As usual, my cat meows to open my room’s door. I finished my grooming, and once I went out, I saw my cat laying on the outfit placed on my chair that I prepared for today’s ceremony. I cannot describe my anger since I have chosen what I will wear in advance in order to have more time for my grooming. I believe I have no choice but to quickly remove my cat’s hair and ask my mom to drive me to school. My cat’s hair is glued to my top, my cat annoys me to feed her, my mom does not return my calls, and I try not to sweat to look good in pictures. Never mind, let us keep my cat’s hair as a memory of my stupidity. I ran to the stairs while calling my mom louder and louder, but since she was not answering, I assumed she was not home. However, the worst part is that I did not notice my cat was following me until she appeared between my legs. I stepped on her tail and fell down the stairs. Fortunately, I was near to the ground, but I was heartbroken to see my cat in pain. I apologize and look for her food. In the kitchen, I find a letter from my mom apologizing for not being present today due to the work she has. I hope my legs are still working because I’ll need them. I swiftly leave the house and run as fast as I can, praying that the bus is still there. Was I angry? Or upset? No, I did not have the time for it. I stopped at the bus stop to catch my breath, and as I predicted, the bus was not here. I did not think smartly. I should have brought money with me in case I did not find the bus and then took a taxi. All the emotions that I avoided came back; all I had planned is now ruined. I look up and surprisingly, I see it from far away on a low beam. I automatically start running and screaming for the bus to wait. A man who was begging in the crossing heard my calls, but the moment he was about to warn the bus driver, a hand came out of the window, making a hand gesture to tell him to go away. The light turns green and the bus is slowly pulling away from me. I ran and ran, unable to stop. It is like when you drive at a high speed and the brake does not suddenly work. I am desperate. Except for the fact that I missed my bus once again, I also do not understand why I am not slowing down. If I do not stop, I might run into that beggar who is on my way and who, by the way, is holding a child. « Move! » I screamed at that man. He looks at me, perplexed and clearly upset. I might not be from here, but! He did not finish his sentence that I had already bumped into. I heard the crying of that child and I could not open my eyes out of shame. I never thought I would hurt so many people during one of the most important days of my life. Nevertheless, the sounds surrounding me slowly disappeared to the point where I could no longer hear anything. I open my eyes and see myself in front of my high school entrance. I look around me and realize there is no one, but I can notice a poster hanging at the entrance celebrating the graduation ceremony. What happened? Wasn’t I on the ground in a low beam or did I just teleport myself in front of the school? And if I did, why is there nobody? The level of confusion is undescribable and I cannot hide that I am quite scared about it. There is no other explanation except for the lack of sleep that makes me imagine things. Perhaps everyone is already inside, even though the area is strangely quiet. I walk toward the entrance, but each step I take increases the distance between me and the entrance. “What the…?” The building is getting even further away from me. My consciousness tells me to run, and the distance grows more and more. I feel I am on the edge of panic and I do not understand any of the things that happened to me this morning. Currently, my only goal in my mind is to reach this building. The environment that I am in gradually darkens until I see only my high school. My school is getting so far that I can only see a white point and I feel my legs getting heavier due to fatigue. Tears come out and get immediately separated from my skin, letting them fly into the unknown.
I could feel the sun rays getting through my eyelids, but it was not enough to wake me up until my alarm did the job. An unpleasing repetitive melody interrupts my moment of peace and gets me up on the wrong side of the bed. I knew I would regret it if I stayed up too late, but since today is an important day, I will force myself to stay in shape. As usual, my cat meows to open my room’s door. I finished my grooming, and once I went out, I saw my cat laying on the outfit placed on my chair that I prepared for today’s ceremony. “Wait a sec… Why do I get that feeling of déjà vu? ” No time to think, I will just wear another outfit even though it is less prettier than the one I planned for today. I would like to thank my cat for not only ransacking my outfit, but also for slowing me down on the stairs. In the kitchen, looking for my cat’s food, I found a letter from my mom apologizing for not being present today due to the work she has. I’d rather ignore the fact that my own mother prioritized her boss over me and just enjoy my day. On my way to the bus stop, I try to remember what I have dreamed of. I know it was more of a nightmare, and I remember I was running a lot. When the bus arrived, I felt extremely relieved, as if I was convinced I missed it. I do not know if it is because of my messy wake up, but things do not look real. It’s like waking up the morning after a big party and forgetting which word you were in. I have never been this preoccupied, whereas I should be happy and excited about finishing my senior year in high school. Is it because of stress? I am doubting it. In a low beam, I see a man holding a child coming toward the bus, and at this moment, all the memories of my dream come back. He was the man who tried to help me while I was chasing after the bus and, unfortunately, the man whom I accidentally hurt with his child. I already know this person since he comes every morning with his child to ask for charity. Based on his appearance and accent, he is an immigrant from Africa, but except that, we do not know anything about that guy, including his name. We do know the name of the child since the first thing the beggar says to us is “help me feed Hassan.” I saw him since I was in junior high, but I never paid any attention to him. It might be just a dream, but I am grateful for his action and sorry for the accident as well. I wave my hands to get his attention to give him a coin. He smiles, puts Hassan down, and comes right at me. The light turns green, and the coins stuck at the bottom of my bag refuse to cooperate. The man loses his smile of hope and returns to his son. The coin eventually decides to offer itself, but it is already too late. I upset him in my dream and in real life, but hey, he saw my sincere intention. Now that my memories are back, I wonder if it was a vision since most of the events are alike. In my dream, I made the wrong decision of wasting my time cleaning my outfit and hair. No need to be paranoid either. Perhaps it is more or less a vision, but a dream is a dream. During the ten-minute walk from the bus stop to the high school, silence gradually creeps in until no sound can be heard.Chills run all over my body when I suddenly realize there is anyone around me. Maybe I was mistaken and the graduation ceremony is not supposed to be organized here. I rush to the entrance and head to my classroom. All the heads, including my professor’s turn in my direction. All embarrassed, I look at my teacher and ask.
“Excuse me Mrs—”
“I will be kind enough to not expel you from my class if you hurry up and get to your seat,” she interrupted in a stern tone.
“But, aren’t we supposed to have—”
“I believe you have made your decision,” she interrupted once again and turned her back on me.
“No!,” I hear mocking laughs in the back of the class, “I’ll head to my seat.”
While heading to my seat, I notice that everyone seems focused on completing a sheet of paper and also notice there is already one on my desk. These documents appear to be exam sheets. I laugh nervously in my head. Did I miss something? And if I did, what about the poster on the entrance? All the questions written on the paper have oddly nothing to do with what we studied the whole year, and paradoxically, all students seem to handle it well. I returned the paper in shame, and the teacher’s freezing glare convinced me to not ask her. The idea that comes to my mind is to wait for the most informed people in our school, who are the popular students, to finish their exams to get my question answered. When one of them came out of the class, my hesitation almost convinced me not to speak to him.
“Hey”
“Hm?,” he turned his head hatefully. His friends joined him giving the impression we are going to fight. I took a deep breath and continued.
“Since when do we have to pass an exam right before the graduation ceremony? And why does this exam have nothing to do with our study program?,” a mocking smile came out from his mouth.
“Are you kidding me?,” he said sarcastically. “This was the easiest test I’ve ever passed, you’re the one who should pay more attention to your studies instead of talking no sense,” his friends laugh discreetly in the back.
“But what about the gradu—”
“Look, if you’re trying to alleviate the shame you’ve taken, go waste somebody else’s time.”
He goes away with his friends, leaving me standing alone like an idiot. I hate him a lot. No. Not only him, but everybody. Him, his friends, the class and that stupid teacher piss me off. I do not care if the graduation ceremony is planned for today or not, I just do not want to see their faces again. I decided to skip whatever was going to happen in highschool and go buy a snack to change my mind. I was so desperate to buy sweets that I did not realize that I had wasted all my money. Nevermind, I will go home on foot while eating. There is nobody in this district but it does not explain this deafening silence. Not a single sound of cars or animals. Something is not right. «You know what? I’ll go back to highschool this place is creeping me out». A hand grabbed my shoulder and made me turn around abruptly.
“Hey! Are you acting deff or what?
“What the hell!?,” I quickly and aggressively removed his hand from my shoulder. “Who do you think you are—,” The black skin, the long frizzy hair and the outfit. He is the beggar in the low beam next door.
“The coin,” he said out of breath.
“Excuse me?,” I was making a disgusted expression.
“The coin that you were supposed to give me this morning. Give it to me,” he holds out his hand to me. I do not know from what logic this man thinks, but that’s not a way of speaking to me. I use the same tone as my teacher and reply.
“First, know your place because if you dare think of touching me again, I’ll call the police. Second, I don’t have any money so take your bad temper somewhere else.”
I turned my back to him and resumed my walk. What a tiring and upsetting day. This guy should be ashamed of himself for behaving that way toward a lady. I feel sorry for his child, who is used as a piggy bank. Anyway, I can not complain that much since my mom is not that different from him. This time, a hand caught my face and brutally pressed me against the wall of a building. I look to the left. Nobody. Nobody comes to mind when I look to the right.When I look ahead, I see a face so distorted with anger that it looks like a monster. His hand puts pressure on my face so much that I have the impression my eyes are going to pop out of their sockets. I cannot breathe and I stand on tiptoe to prevent my head from tearing away from my body.
“Kids these days have no manners. I’m only asking you something that belongs to me in the first place!,” hearing a voice as deep as his shouting makes me hold my pee out of terror. However, I managed to remove a little bit of his hand.
“Your money!,” I jabbered, “I promise your money back!”
“You all are the same!,” he shouted, “Promising things! Giving us hope thinking that intention is enough! You just don’t want to admit that you’re liars! You’re all liars!”
I do not know what to do except cry. How can nobody hear us, or perhaps they do? His face gets closer to mine and he whispers. I’m not a rapist nor a killer. In the adrenaline rush, I kick with my foot and it goes miraculously towards his testes, pulling me away from him. I cough to catch my breath and run while screaming for help. He gets up quickly and catches me by grabbing me, not giving me the opportunity to even start my run. He knocks me down and pulls me by the hair like a butcher who pulls the horns of a sheep. I am holding my hair at the same time, avoiding more or less pain and looking around. There were people, but they gave the impression as if they did not exist. I do not know where he pulls me, but I keep screaming “No! No! No!” before I wake up with a start.
My unpleasing alarm makes me regain consciousness. My heart beats super fast and I sweat excessively. Before Ido, I hear my cat making sounds to open her door, and before I do, I remove my clothes from the chair. I am so confused that I did not do my grooming and went immediately downstairs. I find the same letter as in my dreams and rip it. I board the bus, ignoring the man begging on the low beam. I enter the class and pass the exam. Sorry, I meant to fail the exam. I stand outside the class and reflect on the situation. I had the same dream three times, and all of them seemed real. However, every action that changes the narrative pattern leads me to a nightmare. The popular kid that I talked to in my previous dream went out of the class and noticed me ignoring him. He looked quite annoyed, like he was waiting for me to do something. He comes at me, interrupting my moment of reflection.
“The heck are you doing?,” he’s asking. I stay quiet for a moment keeping my neutral face then reply.
“What do you mean?,” he smirks.
“Ah! I can see through your expression you have failed the test.” I instantly replied to him with the same tone.
“And what does that have to do with you?”
He continued smirking, making him look like an idiot and waited for his friends to join him. A classic reaction from weak people. I was planning on staying in highschool but now that I remember I am among stupid people, I decided on second thought to leave this place. I ignored the guy and left, letting him insult me behind my back. The first thing I want to do before I leave is to check the poster and find more information about it. I glare at the poster and it is clearly written “Graduation Ceremony”, but when I asked the concierge, he told me there is no poster. It is crystal clear, I am still in a dream. I sit in a place quite far from my highschool and as usual, there is no noise. «Okay, how do I wake up from this hell?». Since it is a dream, I can imagine anything I want. First, I tried to imagine a door that connected the two dimensions but nothing happened. It is a day like another and this is how I live my life. I knew loneliness, I knew pain, I knew how to get along with these idiots. Then, why literally everything appears challenging to me? A figure caught my attention, it is the beggar. He looks more desperate than I am and gives the impression he is looking for something. Now that I see him clearly, his clothes are ripped and his face is red and sweaty l like he is already beaten up. I came to him and when he saw me he immediately spoke to me. «Hey kid! Do you have any money? I highly need it and I promise I’ll pay you back!». I look at him disgusted at what he did to me in my previous dream and throw a coin. «That’s all I owe you» and go away. Since it is just a dream, a weird one, then I will take advantage of it. I bought an ugly mask that I found in the disguise section and took with me a metal stick that I found in an alley. The concierge was not in the high school entrance making things easier for me. I hide my stick in an empty classroom, wear that mask and drag my teacher. «Now where is that surprise you’re talking about young lady?». Before she entered the classroom, I asked her to close her eyes for more suspense. I close the door, take my stick, use all my strength and knock her out. The body is not moving. Is she dead? I do not know. Am I happy or satisfied? I do not know. Am I affrighted? Absolutely. Looking at her unconscious body made me throw up but it is not finished yet. I kept my mask and the stick, stole a bottle of bleach for the concierge’s room and I rushed to the popular student. I break and press the fire button which triggers an alarm. Knowing them, they would take advantage of this situation to escape and smoke in an alleyway near the school known to be a corner for smokers. I escape as well and find only three of them chilling in the alleyway. They looked at me confused and before they even spoke to me, I sprayed them with bleach. No time, I hurry and knock one. The second student was able to dodge my attack, allowing the third one the time for escaping. I panic and try a second time but he dodge it again and counter attack by punching me on the face. I fell due to the power of this punch but not powerful enough to break the mask. He grabs the iron stick and walks towards me. I take the bleach bottle located to my right and throw it over him. This distraction gives me enough time to run away. It is 11:30 p.m, my mother enters the house and sees me sitting in the kitchen. «Oh my! What on earth happened to your face!?». I stayed quiet. She grabbed my face but I pushed her, dropping the bandage package on the table.The look of confusion on her face asks me to explain to her. She exhales and sits right next to me and asks. «Are you mad at me because I did not attend your graduation ceremony?». My eyes get clear and suddenly turn to her. So there was a graduation ceremony today. I lower my eyes again.
“Mom, I messed up,” I nervously laughed, “But I guess it doesn’t matter since nothing is real.”
“That’s why you allowed yourself to push me violently right?,” she answered like she already knew everything. We stayed quiet for a moment then a door appeared inexplicably behind her. She continued.
“All of this may not seem true but your feelings are real. You should sleep now. I remind you that you have to get up early tomorrow,” she was right. I am emotionally tired. I stood up, opened the door and I looked at her one last time. She did not look back.
“Goodnight mom.”
“Good night dear.”
I opened my eyes and saw that it was still dark outside. I just woke up, and I never felt this tired though. I hear noises downstairs; it is probably mom preparing herself for work. The hour hanging on the wall showed me that I woke up two hours earlier. I lie down again and close my eyes waiting for another dream to take me with it.
THE END