Growing up, I never really understood what depression was. I heard of it as a vague and distant concept, something that only happened to people who were unhappy or encountered a large number of issues. I, nevertheless, never belonged to that group. I had a happy childhood, a loving family, and a bright future ahead of me. I was a carefree, happy-go-lucky young woman who never thought anything could bring her down. Yet, everything altered that day.
When we talk about depression, numerous are those who link it directly to suicidal thoughts. A decisive action that reflects a mental condition. However, few are those who realize that this feeling in fact might be a silent epidemic. A roommate who knows everything about you and you know nothing about them. You share the same apartment, but they are still strangers to you. You have no idea how hazardous this roommate might be, what might make them exhibit this deadly feature, or how unsightly it might make them appear. You just know that they are there, somewhere in this apartment, dominating the place day after day. All you can sense is their presence, and all you know is that you are not alone, and I only wish it were in a pleasant way. I was compelled to greet my new companion on a chilly December night. At the time, I was unaware of having one, and it wasn’t until my closest friend departed that they came to light. That was the first time I felt their presence, at that very moment, I just knew that I had started that I started sharing my apartment with somebody. A joyful teen who just turned 17, whose new roommate decided two days later to intervene.
While my family and friends expected me to scream, cry and express this rage, I just went mute. In reality, I was merely existing and not really living. Air in and out of my lungs, food meeting my tongue like a lion and a gazelle do.
“Good morning, Kaya, how did you sleep?”
I sat down at the breakfast table for the first time in four days that morning. Meanwhile, at night, when I heard footsteps near the door of my room, I continued to act as though I was asleep.
“I slept fine, mama, thanks.”
“Mehdi’s departure affects us all”
she carries on, with a look of nostalgia plastered across her face. The atmosphere biggened to feel really tense and I had to escape it. Otherwise, I’ll be submerged in a sea of tears.
“Our families grew together and we can only imagine how hard it can be for you Kaya.”
I tried to avoid making eye contact with her as she could notice a tear forming in my eye.
“I’m fine, really. Just a little tired, I guess.”
“Your mom and I just want to make sure you’re okay. If you ever need to talk about anything, we’re here for you. No matter what.”
My dad filled with emotion, a scene I never witnessed during my past 17 years of living. I had to give them a grin so they would continue to perceive me as their resilient daughter.
“I know, but there’s nothing to worry about. Everything is fine.”
My face was beaming broadly as I lost all sense of happiness.
“I appreciate your concern, but I’m handling it. I’m just trying to focus my upcoming exams and move forward, it’s just sunnat al hayat”
To make them believe what I had said earlier, I stood up and gave them a hug.
“Thank you, I love you both so much.”
“We love you too, sweetie. And remember, we’re always here for you.”
That same smile, I had to maintain to avoid my parents being alarmed was the same smile I had to wear to school every day to avoid the ultimate question “How are You?” The smile I despised more than anything else in the world, but which I had to embrace for a further 7 months, and who was the closest thing I had to a friend.
Senior year of high-school, the most awaited year for every parent. The year of achievement and accomplishment, the closing of a chapter and the start of a fresh one. However, when you pretend to be at a healthy and stable state of mind, the major thing you worry about is to not be unmasked. The daily pressure of avoiding my parents carrying the burden of their child’s true state. The thought of their child drowning and refusing rescue, their child screaming like a newborn silently every day and refusing to show a glimpse of this unbearable pain. The same pressure that makes you forget about the highly awaited exam of the past 12 years and which transforms you into a true believer of “fake it until you make it”
Despite the torture, I knew I couldn’t let my parents know what was going on. Throughout the months I became an expert at faking happiness, and soon, I started to believe my own act. They say time heal, but my pain didn’t go away. It was always there, lurking in the background, waiting to pounce. But I kept pushing it down, telling myself that I had to be strong, vulnerability is a weakness and weakness is other’s favorite moment for destruction. I grew to believe in this statement, and I firmly believed in it throughout that journey. So, I kept it all to myself and went through this lonely existence, even though it was slowly tearing me apart.
I was aware that if he could, my best friend would have wanted me to be content and care for myself. However, exiting the newly found comfort of depression is like climbing a mountain. Each time you take a step forward, it feels like you’re being pulled back, but the reward of reaching the top is indescribable. The road is filled with moments of sadness and frustration, but also moments of joy and triumph. It involves learning to love yourself again, even when you feel like giving up. It involves realizing that you are not alone, that Allah cares about you. It involves finding the light in the darkness, and letting it guide you to a better place. And I’m finally starting to do just that.
