Amongst the waves of an unsettling beach, I felt safe. Music played meticulously next to my ears. The waves played piano and danced elegantly in front of us. The ocean smiled and chuckled at us as if we were its sole visitors. A warm host it was, and while the wind brushed through my curls, I could not help but indulge the scenery of delicate colors glazing in front of my eyes. Far from feeling melancholic, I was neither lonely nor alone. I was with someone; someone I still wish I were with until this day. Elia and I met on the beach on a rainy day. I was swimming when it suddenly started pouring rain and the sun ran out of light, and the sky soon followed in pitch-black darkness. It was cold, but soon after, I was on a warm surface. As sand held me closer to its warmth, I almost drowned. He did not hesitate to pull me out and that was the starting point of our usual hangouts at the beach.
Not long after, we found ourselves again walking by the city’s shores, exchanging words among thoughts. At times, we would burst into laughter and at others we would contemplate on simple things we would together observe. There we sat down on the rocks, following the sun as it sat through the horizon. Perhaps that seemed very innocent, yet that uneventful event led to the start of it all. As the clock’s small needle approached ten, I walked him back through the dark pathways of Stinino. In the doorway, I kissed him good night then followed his sight as he disappeared up the staircase. “Ciao, Bello!” I said.
Back to my small apartment, I pondered through the rest of the night, dwelling upon his aura. I thought of him and all the small conversations we shared. My mind could not resist his scent. His smile could not leave my sight as I closed my eyes to get some rest. After a long year of work, I had a feeling that my vacation was soon to be well spent.
My days on the beach were spent meditating. Little girls wanted to play with pink flowy ribbons shaped as unicorn tails, while boys strived to build black ribbon and sand into Batman. With him that day, we made a thousand kites in the warmth of the sand. Though it was a work that seemed to pay more than coin, the magical attachment it brought made us more anchored than what we sought. While tanning under the burning sun, I passionately waited for him. All in vain. Later that day, I walked past the streets where we had what I thought was to be special. I was aroused, but what seemed to be a turn of events, an exciting thing that has finally driven my life towards the direction that I was seeking to get. I was so intrigued by the mystery that surrounded that man. The cloak of shadows that he had worn and that kept me alarmed, yet harmed.
A face made of glass like golden honey, he had tattoos up and down his body. On his leg, a line said “I simply am not there”. The second I laid eyes on his American Psycho quote, I should have ran. A conversation I forgot to tell you about; I should have clenched onto for dear life. He told me, “I dated a woman for four years. Then, one morning, I woke up and abandoned her without leaving a letter or a note.” Delusional, I never thought of myself as another victim of his, though I was nothing but a manipulated pawn in his narcissistic game. In my arms, I thought I was the alienist, the lad, the lover that will make him tamed.
With rods and screws, I thought I could fix him, but little did I know how blue the blood in my vein would stain, all in vain. My heart shattered into pieces of porcelain but all the glue I had left was his poison. With resentment, I grab them all, shall the next admirer perform a golden repair.
The midnight fantasy evaporated the second the sun rose. Half of my heart left with his goodbye forehead kiss. Trust, a big word, I learned is not to be granted on a silver platter. I shall not replace my hopeless romance with cynicism. Nonetheless, to grant my trust again, one has to earn it, with actions more than cues. Afterall, actions speak louder than words has not become a saying for no reason. Today, I mourn who I thought he was. I grieve for the chapter I have had to close. More than ever, my heart developed shields, my mind detects red flags from miles away, and my feet do not jump until the waters are tested.
