{"id":514,"date":"2023-03-21T12:06:06","date_gmt":"2023-03-21T12:06:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/trove.aui.ma\/?p=514"},"modified":"2023-03-21T12:06:06","modified_gmt":"2023-03-21T12:06:06","slug":"the-waiting-room-freewriting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/trove.aui.ma\/?p=514","title":{"rendered":"The Waiting Room – Freewriting"},"content":{"rendered":"
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In the waiting room, I sat worried. I knew what was waiting for me. I had only one idea in mind, that I am going to enter that pale room that has no colors as if death had come to say hello to her and go its way. But I kept telling myself that I would forget everything as soon as I got out of that dark room like every time. As soon as I heard a voice calling out my name, I realized that I am done, well I mean that the headache and the toothache will start.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I entered the room and the doctor greeted me with his smile, as usual, a smile that looked like a glimmer of hope before the disaster. The needle entered my tooth gum, so I felt pain but it was not strange, I felt it every time, and I also get dizzy every time. The drug was penetrating my veins, I don’t feel my mouth anymore, it was cold as winter breezes. But I was able to bear that cold, as I endured a cold worse and stronger than this one: The coldness of the feeling of loneliness, hands were passing over my eyes, and multiple machines were gnawing at my teeth. Do you feel the pain? No. I really didn’t feel the pain, but the sharp sound of the machines decimated my patience and made me drown in a sea of thoughts. I wish I felt the pain of my teeth rather than being left alone with my thoughts, thoughts that destroy my soul more than the machines do to my teeth. I wanted time to pass by in a blink of an eye and get out of this terrifying room, so that I don’t hear that anonymous voice that appears at any moment, unfortunately, I chose this moment out of all time. In a place that looks like outer space surrounded by darkness and blackness, he said to me, you are all alone now, words cannot come out of your mouth… No one will listen to it… Be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet! I told him. Every time I reconcile myself and enjoy being with myself, this voice comes and ruins everything.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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They were beautiful moments that day and they became beautiful memories today… \u202fPassing phrases for those who are still seeking the fragrant of beginnings and still live the moment in the meantime, I know that you will pass on my phrases without paying much attention, I\u00a0 know that you whisper to your heart in the meantime and reassure it and tell your heart that you didn’t make it reach this stage because you think that you have a friend of gold,\u00a0 that you are lucky, that God loves you and blessed you with a friend like him,\u00a0 that he is special and different from the other 40 million people on earth or something like that … But I am sure that it will stop and tear the heart of those who live on the memory today, who was living the same beginning as you one day and was whispering to his heart the same words as you. Who passes by phrases like the ones that you have between your arms without paying much attention and I am one of them… I also once reassured my heart and said don’t be afraid, my heart is different, don’t be afraid, my heart, I handed you to someone who is trustworthy, it was like a homeland to which I escape from the ugliness of the boring world, just looking t it from far away brings joy and happiness to my soul, even if it also passes by me without paying much attention, as if I am a stranger. \u202fDespite all these beautiful moments and this blind trust, I have failed… I failed and the hardest letdown was the ninth time and a thousand curses on number nine I don’t know what his story with me is like I’m playing in a movie or something like that and the number nine follows me everywhere and destroys the soul that I have left. In 2009, ninth grade, the ninth letdown, and the first fail was in month nine and that bad friend also came to life in month nine, is it a coincidence or is it a destiny written in the letters of god, I don\u2019t know what is his story with me. … \u202fBut all I know is that I spent beautiful moments with him, even though he let me down so much that I wished time would stop. I felt alive for the first time when I was with him and I believed in myself for the first time also when I was with him, I realized how strong I was for the first time in nine years, I felt alive again. But fate had another opinion, time passes by and there is no way to stop it at our beautiful moments year after year.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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That friend began to change and met others and some of them are better than me and some are worse. He matured and changed his personality for the worse and the better together, and my presence became unwelcomed in his life. Our thoughts diverged, our own thoughts became like water and fire, I was the fire and he was the water … \u202f He has changed and this is his right, not blame. We cannot control our feelings and emotions, they control us, whether we like it or not, and we have no choice but to bow to them… Only God knows how much I tried to fix our relationship, how many times I invented justifications for his behavior, maybe it\u2019s studying or maybe he is shy, Maybe… Maybe… \u202fMy mind knows that both study and shame are innocent of these false accusations, but whatever convinces the heart.\u00a0 My mind says one thing and is right and my heart says something else and is lying, but there is no evidence, but I also swing between them, sometimes I\u00a0 find myself in my mind and I leave him for days and months, sometimes I find myself in my heart and I cannot handle being away from him, not even for three days, and to overcome this contradiction between my heart and my mind, I decided to give a hundred chances and my heart will not be spared. We had a total of 200 chances, and we agreed that when those chances ran out I would go away and never come back, my mind cannot give any more chances but my heart’s chances were still at the 67th. But I decided to end it yesterday because, in the end, I am myself and not my mind or my heart, I will not lie to myself and torture myself again, because the end is coming and there is no running away from it, I feel that it is very close, I\u00a0 honestly feel it, so it will not make a difference whether it is today or after tomorrow or after a year or three, I don\u2019t care because in the end is the end and it will come and will end everything.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I know that it is tough to give up your homeland and your safety, but I had to do it, I sacrificed my dignity and pride enough.\u00a0 I became the one who always contacts you first, I became so humiliated that I couldn\u2019t believe it, he humiliated my thoughts, my words and my things, I share my things and my news with him, and he just ignores me and makes fun of me and he would coldly ask me, what do you want to change? What do you want from me? What have I done to you?\u00a0 I will answer you and I hope that you will see this publication. I want to say it, I wanted you to change because you are basically a variable, you keep changing and this problem.\u00a0 I wanted you to come back, not to change, enough change, what you did to me is that you left me trapped in the memories of ninth grade and a thousand curses on number nine again, and you got so bad that you made me feel scared of you just like everyone else, I’m talking to you, and I think you’re making fun of me, I doubt you’re cheating on me, I miss feeling safe with you like them, I simply don\u2019t trust you at all so I had to make this decision even if it\u2019s a crime towards myself but I will do it even if it hurts, I believe that it will be easy one day, yes, it will be easier but not with patience this time, but it will be easy to cope. After patience, we live in the hope of returning what we have lost, but the adaptation is nothing but getting used to the new life, no matter how it is, which is the best option, I will not forget, but I will adapt… I am not writing this for you to come back, but to stay away. If you were reading, I hope you will not text me again because, despite my strength and my power with everyone, yet when it comes to you I get weak.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In the waiting room, I sat worried. I knew what was waiting for me. I had only one idea in mind, that I am going to enter that pale room that has no colors as if death had come to say hello to her and go its way. But I kept telling myself that I … Continue reading “The Waiting Room – Freewriting”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","_ppma_block_editor_authors":""},"categories":[27],"tags":[],"ppma_author":[7],"class_list":["post-514","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-freewriting"],"authors":[{"term_id":7,"user_id":6,"is_guest":0,"slug":"ranianazihslp","display_name":"Rania Nazih","avatar_url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/c25e5830746360b7634e5db6d989e3087b4169605933edc0b5cf3b808e2918f5?s=96&d=mm&r=g","avatar_alt":"","avatar_decorative":"","author_category":"","user_url":"","last_name":"Nazih","first_name":"Rania","job_title":"","description":""}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/trove.aui.ma\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/514","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/trove.aui.ma\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/trove.aui.ma\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/trove.aui.ma\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/trove.aui.ma\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=514"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/trove.aui.ma\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/514\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":529,"href":"https:\/\/trove.aui.ma\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/514\/revisions\/529"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/trove.aui.ma\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=514"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/trove.aui.ma\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=514"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/trove.aui.ma\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=514"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/trove.aui.ma\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fppma_author&post=514"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}